Falling in Dreams

Going further back...

Almost everyone has had dreams of falling, right? Whenever I’ve talked to others about their versions of these dreams, without exception they say, “but of course, I always wake up before I hit the ground.” Many believe that if and when you don’t wake up before you land it’ll be the moment you die.

Here’s the thing, like everyone else, I used to have those dreams of falling, with all the accompanying dread, my physical heart rate accelerated. Sometimes I awoke from the dream with its racing, and gradually it returned to normal, as I realized it was “just a dream.” There’s one departure from the norm that went with those dreams of mine: I always hit the ground before I woke up. The impact was jarring, even painful, but I was able to pick myself up and start moving again. I hated those dreams and had no idea why I had them.

Years have gone by since I’ve had a dream like that. Instead, reality provides the exact same simulation and, never having forgotten those falling dreams of my youth, I’ve come to see them as a message. I’m Christian, but insert what you believe here, and I believe they came from a loving God who knew exactly how “fun” life would be sometimes and wanted me to know I’d survive it.

As the years go by, I experience the same sense of helpless dread, from time to time, on behalf of those who are suffering and, the thing about being a grown up, whether you’re a teen, twenty-something or beyond, often no one, no matter how much they care, can stop your fall for you. They can experience the fall with you—so there’s that. You’re never “falling alone” when you’re loved. And you ARE loved.

Because some loved one(s) are in pain, feeling helpless and having just unwittingly ticked off a friend who was trying to help, I took my dogs, who offer unconditional, never-ending love and enthusiasm,

…for a couple of miles of walking in Arizona’s balmy still 100 degrees.

Had a heart to heart with that God I need so much guidance from—it’s hardest to pay attention. The dogs chased lizards (pretty sure Mini ripped up one of my fingernails), but I also remembered those dreams and what I’d learned from them.

“You didn’t die. You got back up and walked on, braver and stronger for it. So will he/she/they.”

My paternal Lithuanian grandmother had one of the cleanest row-homes in Baltimore because she cleaned when she was stressed—she had a lot to stress about.

Artwork by Joanna c 1976 (Grandmom before she was grandmom)

My mother wrote stories and taught herself to play the piano. So did one of my sisters-in-law. Dad wrote and painted. All the years I painted children’s murals and faux-finished walls were my personal therapy. The need to feed and cloth my son gave me courage, creative drive, and stamina my naturally willful, slothful self doesn’t possess.

I noticed during those later college years how fabulously gorgeous, inspired and poignant are the writings and music of Russian authors and composers who were under more danger and duress than most of us can imagine.

“Necessity is the mother of invention.” Plato said something like that. We like Plato.

These falls into an unforeseen abyss will not be the end of us—they might just be the “necessity” that we need to rise up and do more, be more than we were before.

The authors I am seeking out will have done something like that. Found a way to survive and thrive after “falling.” Maybe she had to take detours. Most of us do. It’ll be fun finding each and discovering her with you.